There are many years in our life, many months and many days but had it ever happened to you, that some day of the week plays in repeat in your head. Those mornings when you don't want to leave the bed at all, don't want to brush your teeth or shower or eat. I have had a few Thursdays like that recently. I don't want to know my existence just be nothing for a while. I paint a picture, where I wake up but leave the bed after many hours of aimless thinking, starting at white celling wall, blinking occasionally, a tune or song fading in my mind but my soul humming to it like background music in movies. This is a peaceful state of being, not knowing self, not feeling happy or sad or anything. After I leave the bed, I go to balcony and get some sun, eyes closed and letting sunlight brighten the walls of all my veins and arteries to red and my skin to tan brown. Music still playing in my head..."no was her name, no was the lion that no one could tame".


Behind those closed eyes, there are flash card memories of the time that never passed in my heart. The time that I relive every Thursday, it's my best place and time to hide and grieve for what I can no longer see or touch. The heartbeat falling 92, 85, 74, 65, 53, 42, 31, 24, 16, 7...0.


I can never write my heart and what happened that Thursday...one December.